Ohhh how he Loves Us!
Current mood: indescribable
Have you ever thought what it means to be totally and completely enthralled by God, to break past the fronts we put on to show others how together we are. I am a wreck, completely broken but never felt the love of God as strong as I do right now. His love is like a hurricane and I am a tree bending to the weight of his wind and mercy. I am shattered by his faithfulness and love, completely shattered. Its like for the first time being aware completely what it means to live. I knew God since I was really young, I had a very hard life growing up and I did not know who I was so I cried out to God regularly not realizing who he was. When I became a christian at 15 I was so fed up with my emptyness in life that when I finally found out who it was that I was talking to for so long was the same person that could save my soul I became so entralled with his love. That seems great but at the same time when I became a christian I lost who I was, I hated myself so much that I latched to God as my identity, some would say that is good but its not. I heard an analogy that Jesus is like salt bringing out our flavor and we can not have flavor without him but for me I was only salt without any real knowledge of who I am. Like a fig tree in leaf boasting about fruit but not really bearing anything. I wanted God so bad that I would just tell myself that i just need to spend more time with him, listen to more worship, or read the bible more but that was not the answer, that only left me more empty and eventually sporattically falling away from him. God is showing me that the only way to really understand his love is to stop trying so freeking hard and just rest in his love. That means finding out who I am inside and outside of him. When I rest in him and I really realize that he loves me for me and not what I do then all of a suddon i become unaware of all my afflictions, all my negitive qualities, and it does not matter anymore. The negitive and sin that hounded my life fo so long just fall off because they lose their desire anymore. God I just pray for this feeling to continue and for you to help me realize that you are my prize and thats it, your all i need. Let me sink in you.
Ps. This song “he loves us” from kim walker is probably the complete cry of my heart right now. Ive heard it before but It just makes 90 billion times more sense to me right now. “When heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside my chest, i dont have time to maintain these regrets when i think about the way that he loves us”. the regrets melt away to his love. God you are awesome